Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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