if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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