Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
