the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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