I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
