Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
