In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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