We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
