wakey wakey hands off snakey
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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