i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
