my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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