I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
