I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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