our cab driver is having phone sex.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
