OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
