Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He did a backflip because drugs
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize