Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
