Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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