Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
