"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
