The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
So. Much. Porn.
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