I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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