i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
