Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize