i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
