that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
