I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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