Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
