I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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