I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
