so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize