I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
