All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
