I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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