First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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