and my herpes radar will keep us safe
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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