Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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