Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
