how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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