then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize