I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
