Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drake has all the answers
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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