you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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