an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
