It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
