Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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