Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
