you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
