I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
