I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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