I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
