How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
