so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
