I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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