I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
