this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
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