I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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