if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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