So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
how can u be prego again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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