I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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