I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
