I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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